Kids!!!

Ya know, last week when i put up my post about my list of rants (One of them being kids) i had loads of other stuff to say that really winds me up about kids.

And dont get me wrong, as you know, i have such love for my son as i am sure you all do for your children. But...

Thats not what im here to talk about. No! Im here to talk about when they really get on ya tits and dont want to administer punishment, you want to deliver payback!!!

So i had all this stuff to say, but then i had the weekend. I went to Euro Disney and want to dedicate this entire blog to the 2 little f**k-ars*s that made my weekend a living hell.

In the number one spot we have Ben (and yes, names have been changed to protect the innocent) Ben is 12, and actually one of my favourite nephews (or was). But this weekend.. well wait and read.

There we are, all 16 of us, me! and the in-laws. deciding what we are goi9ng to do with our day. when Ben, decided to come over and show me his boxing skills. Bens dad is an ex boxer and we used to train together, so over he comes, fists-a-flyin! I had no problem with this, thats what some boys do. So i play along, he hits hard, i hit soft, and all is well with the world. The classic banter betwixt nephew and uncle that has existed for years...

Then he comes back... again.. and again... and again... To the point that it felt like he was there every 5 minutes (though i know it was a lot more) punching me! And dont get me wrong folks, i have a good heart, i am a gentle soul, but this fu*kin kid punching all fu*kin day! I dont think so!!!

So my punching became a lot harder, but that (like his parents), didnt stop him! he came back repeatedly. all damn day, punching and punching and punching. It got embarrassing. fighting with this little kid in the middle of disneyland, you can only imagine how dragged down i felt.

So that ws day one. him punching me all bloody day, his parents doing nothing about it even after request soooo...

Come day two - time for a different tack. I wasnt doing this, or at least that was the plan, but ya know kids!! Just when you think your out, they pull you back in again!

I always tend to make a friend on holiday, everytime i go away. a friend away from friends. and there i am, outside having a ciggy, when this guy says, excuse me, do you know where i can get some cigarettes from? I tell him and them we embark on conversation.

All is going well when, there they are - 3 of them, the 3 annoying kids of the century. I had to say something "Here comes the annoying kids" i said to my new associate, they didnt hear that. But they come over and the rudeness starts, and the hitting starts and they are flicking balls of chewed tissue at me and my new associate makes good his escape - you can only imagine how fucked off i am. I wanted a dark demon from the seventh dimension to come and take them away and do unspeakable things to them - fu*king annoying kids.

But have to say, i lost it. I just lost it! most kids would learn after being hit so hard they want to cry (but i knew he wouldnt, his dad taught him the dont show your emotions method) to back off and not come back. But not this bloody kid. Nope! he decided to step up the pace. So i stepped up my intollerance.

..And ok, maybe it was wrong of me to hold him down and put a hand full of dirt in his underpants in the middle of the Disney parade. but fu*kin kid, what is your problem!!! YOU DO NOT ANNOY ADULTS IN THIS WAY!!!!!

..And hey, i completely hold my hands up to being wrong when, come day 3, after hour 4 of being his punchbag i may have gone just a little too far in burning him with a cigarette (no i didnt put it out on him). But i had had enough. I didnt go away to be punched by some kid for 3 days straight.

And i just know some of you will read this and say how dare you do that (totally outraged), but you know what? if you can allow your kid to repeatedly punch anyone, all day everyday for 3 days solid. then keep your kid away from me cuz im on 20 a day!!!

Do you think my kid would or could do that? - NEVER! not because its not really in him to do that, but 1) because he has proper respect for adults and understands there are some things you just dont do. 2) AS HIS PARENT, I WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO BEHAVE IN THAT MANNER WITH ANYONE, EVER!!! - there are few smackable offences, but that would be one of them, and i know he just wouldnt do it.

Dont get me wrong folks, i am not a strict parent and its been so long since i have had to dish out a smack that im not sure if i ever have. But he knows what is right and what is wrong and he gets told - in fact he gets told until he has listened and i know the message is clear and understood, because of there is one thing i have learned this weekend, its this - crap parents = crap kids. and this little fu*k-ar*e has crap parents to love a guide him.

But you know what, the ciggy burn didnt stop him (slowed him down a bit though) but i did find a way, so on to the second kid.

The other kid, who we shall call Bill, aged 8. and an ignorant little bastard if ever i have met one.

So im pushing this stroller along, and getting punched on a regular basis, when Bill discovers that there is a platform at the back of the chair. One he can stand on, and be pushed around on all day long!

Not a problem! the problem comes when the little bastard gets on the platform and says "You! start pushing me NOW BOY!!".

Ok, once the vision of me smashing this little boys head on floor had passed, i walked off. leaving him standing. Someone else can put up with this rude little child.

But just like his annoying older brother, he came back! again and again and again!!

"Push me now boy or im gona kick your ass", "start pushin boy or im gona rip off your head and stick it in your ass", "im gona pull out your tongue and use it to wipe your ass if you dont start pushin"... and so on and so on. whilst all bloody day im getting punched but the other annoying kid.

And then it came to me - my method of dealing with both of these rude annoying children. knowing the family as i do. If there was one thing they would never want to be associated with - ever! is being gay. Well, with all of little Bills refererences to my ass, how could i pass up this opportunity to have a word.

"You've been talking about doing things to my ass all day, is there something i need to tell your dad?".
"What?" - the look of horror on his face; tell my dad im gay?? oh my god!! and off he went.

he came back, "Push this chair now or im gona.."
"Lety me guess, do something to my ass? if you need me to tell you dad your gay i will, just say the word, but i think he already knows." ..and off he went never to be seen again.

And the other annoying kid got delt with the same way. I implied he was gay, and never saw him again, well not till it was time to say goodbye. How the oddest of fears can rule such a thick attitude.

Dont get me wrong folks, i love kids to, and i love them fiesty and cheeky, even the boysterous ones can be ok.lol i love them calm and quiet and tired and proud and playful and happy and excited and so much more, but when they fall well into the land of the rude and annoying, get me my stick, its swingin time!