My Need To...

For those of you i have been lucky enough to speak to, here it is.


For the first time i can think of, I find myself faced with a very real pain. My son had a fit yesterday and i didnt get my chance to panic or cry or to connect with some of the thoughts that passed through my mind. So i shall do it here as elsewhere is not an option.


I arrived home to see 3 crying women trying to console each other in there grief(his mother and 2 sisters) And another, (his aunt)on the phone calling an ambulance. My son is on the floor, snoring short breaths as though struggling for air. Immediatley I dont have time to cry, console or be consoled, my son needs me, and i drop to my knees. TV has taught us that when someone is unconscious, talk to them. And so i begin, saying all the things that i know would normally get his attention. I stroke is head gently and call his name. "Come help daddy with the game" i say, "come and see the new sweets, and i got you some toys, come on, come play", and i countiue to stroke his hair. I cant see his eyes, and as stroke and talk softly of promises to go and play in the mud, a flicker of his eyelids. "Thats it! come on, come play". and then an air of panic across his face which quickly turns to frustration. Almost as if he was trying to get to me but was stuck behind glass. his eyes close. and i talk some more "Daddy, meeeee! has got you a special present waiting for when you come over, i wont tell you what it is, its a secret". and his eye open again, wider than before; but still he sleeps.

For a split second i look at my son and i cant see him. I cant see my boy. I stroke his hair and talk sweetly to him but he is not my boy. My boy has not yet come back, only a shell it seems, The fit he had lasted 6 minutes, a long time by any standard, and i wonder if this child i see before me, i wonder if this child will take the place of my boy. No! i say to myself. This is not good enough, i want Bear, i want my boy, as he was as i know him, as i have grown with him as i love him I want MY son.

His eyes close again, and his sleep seemed deeper, and his breathing slowed to a rate that alarmed me greatly.THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN - NOT ON THIS DAY AND NOT TO THIS BOY, MY BOY, NOT NOW NOT EVER!!! This shining light, my son is to precious to the world. He spreads joy and laughter everywhere he goes. His personality to strong to be taken form so many, from me. He will do great things, if not in his own life then in the lives of others. My miracle. My blood, My son.

I can feel my heart breaking as, just for a moment, i thought he would slip away, taken by Death, that sneak-thief, that taker of life. NOT MY BOY!!! My heart cannot break yet. Not all has been done. He still breaths, and as long as there is breath my body, there will be breath in his. A serge of strength and power and positive energy shone from me catching my son in its light.

He came round, well sort of. His eyes stopped rolling back and he had mumbled, this was progress. And then the ambulance man came. "Look B, the ambulance mans here and he's got loads of cool toys!" My son bearly manages to respond and he just looks tired and ready to sleep.

The medic stood and asked questions, i answered as best i could and as straight as i could, his manner changed when he realised he was dealing with a rational parent. All the time my mind playing the vision of me begging this man to save my boy. But no time, no time to have that broken heart.

The oxygen mask goes on and there he is. Theres my boy. My Bear. He is groggy and wonders whats going on. The medics check him over and i carry him to the ambulance only wearing his underwear.

It was raining. and i picked him up and held him in my arms. My boy. I have held him may times in his 4.5 years on this earth but this was as significant and as precious a moment as the first day i held him, the day he as born. I looked down and kissed his forhead, as i did that day, and like that day i repeated my oath to him, the first words i ever spoke to him, the first words he heard from me -EVER!
"Im daddy, and i will always be here". He snuggles into me and i feel a warm glow. He is going to be ok.

I have written this because of my need. My need to have that broken heart. To cry my eyes out at the thought of nearly loosing my son before my very eyes, taken by death without the consderation of the devestation it would cause. I need to get intouch with the gieving and the deep sadness i felt, that i didnt get the chance to connect with whilst those around me connected with theres. It is haunting me and must have it and soon. It will not go away and it will not rest. And i dont want it to. Those feelings can eat at your core if youlet them. I want, must, need, to fullfill my need, i just cant carry it, and its too strong to just hide away. I can hold it off but only at the promise that its time will come, and soon.

I was sooo gutted - My little boy!

And through this experience, my heart goes out to those who have been in a similar position where something had happened to there children that they could not stop as it happened before there very eyes, or worst, they lost there child. My heart goes out to you. You are unsung heros in my book, and dont see yourselves as anything less. You have suffered one of the greatest losses a human-being could experience and you have come out the otherside. Your identity, though it can never be the same, carries you to another day. Shine,for you are diamonds and you are stars. and to you i send my love.

As for Bear, well he came home and we have to keep an eye on him but he is back to his normal self. He even offered to body-slam the biggest of male nurses and the hospital if he tickled his foot. in a funny way of course. :o)

Anyway, my appologies for such a somber first message, but here it is. And i leave you now to go and contemplate my need.



Love hugs kisses - TheSilentObserver